Post by chibinezu on Apr 8, 2008 14:17:38 GMT
Just wanted to post this.. I actually really liked Harry Potter up to the sixth book.. but this made me laugh a lot.
Ivy: Well, that's the point of the series. The second generation is a continuation of the first and everyone marries their mothers.
Aub: LOL
Ivy: Also, who you are in school is who you are for life.
Aub: oh yes, of course
Aub: the person you have a crush on at 11 is your spouse forever
Aub: because plainly you have better judgement when you're adolescent
Ivy: Also, ambition and cunning is horrible and the root of all evil, and you can only be a good Slytherin if you kiss the ass of Gryffindor.
Aub: also, people who think are assholes
Aub: dumb loyal people are awesome
Ivy: Also, ambitious cunning people seem to make better henchmen than LOYAL AND HARDWORKING people.
Aub: smart people who only use their intelligence for pranks are the best ever
Ivy: Also, it's not evil or cruel if our side does it.
Aub: what? Like manipulating a child because of a crackpot prophesy and fattening him up so he can be slaughtered?
Ivy: You should fight authority, unless that authority is Albus Dumbledore. In which case, follow blindly.
Aub: Faith!
Aub: oh, and we don't need textual evidence.
Aub: for anything
Aub: if the author says it after the fact, it must be true
Ivy: You can still be a good teacher even if you constantly and guiltlessly put your students in unecessarily dangerous situations.
Ivy: If they come to any harm, it's entirely their fault.
Aub: and you're a bad teacher if you push your students to be better
Ivy: You can win your house the cup for breaking hundreds of rules and making a bad situation worse.
Aub: however, if you happen to be the Head of Gryffindor and Maggie Smith, the same attitude is fine
Aub: smart houses are boring
Ivy: Intelligence is only worthwhile if coming from a Gryffindor or used to help Gryffindor.
Aub: You can be any house you want to be in reality, but apparently some kids want to be assholes
Aub: and there's no take-backs on that deal
Ivy: It's okay to condemn eleven year olds as evil because of personality traits that are not necessarily bad.
Aub: so who you are at 11 is just going to be solidified through your adolescent years
Aub: spoiled children should be put in Slytherin among other spoiled children to be made worse. Integration is frowned upon
Ivy: Logic and sense are bad things. Pure, emotional instinct gets the job done.
Aub: Truthyism
Aub: feel the truth!
Ivy: Don't be afraid of the Dark Lord. He can't plot for shit anyway.
Aub: YES
Ivy: (Seriously, book four? WTF!)
Aub: lol, I know
Aub: Teachers, don't solves the myserties., Leave it to the twelve-year-olds. Why are they in school again?
Ivy: In fact, leave everything to the kids.
Aub: sit back and eat humbugs
Aub: three Gryffindor kids and a map got it covered
Ivy: Don't argue with the Gryffindors. They are always right. If you disagree with them, you are evil.
Aub: Disagreement is contrary to harmony. We don't need to think about things or change them.
Ivy: It is awful to keep slaves. Until book seven.
Aub: The only reason to fight is to keep Hogwarts the way it is
Ivy: Harry is the champion of the Status Quo.
Aub: Smart girls are bitches, and they deserve idiots for husbands.
Ivy: We should make everyone aware of enormous social injustices, such as muggle discrimination and non-human servitude. And then not do anything about it.
Aub: Slutty girls deserve the hero.
Aub: Kill people who disagree with you.
Aub: Fat kids only get to kill snakes
Ivy: Muggles are inferior and deserve to be disrespected, used, and magically brainwashed against their will. Even by their family members.
Ivy: Fat people are inferior in general.
Aub: Set up seven years of Harry getting abused by his family, and never resolve anything between himself and his aunt. She doesn't matter.
Ivy: Gryffindors don't need to change. They are perfect the way they are. The world should change to better fit the needs of Gryffindors, and also should fetch them pie.
Ivy: The hero doesn't need to learn from his mistakes. The hero makes no mistakes.
Aub: The only way to give a werewolf a happy ending is to incorporate him into standard, heteronormative society--i.e. have him marry someone half his age, have a kid, and promptly abandon it.
Ivy: Cruelty towards a child is justified because you know they'll grow up evil, anyway.
Ivy: Wives have no say in the naming of the offspring.
Aub: LOL
Aub: Children born from rape are automatically evil.
Ivy: You have the ability to choose who you are...except for where you totally don't because it's chosen for you at the age of eleven.
Aub: By a hat.
Ivy: That SINGS.
Aub: Don't trust anything if you can't see where it keeps its brain--except that hat at the school where you send all seven of your children.
Ivy: Also, the clock that tells you where your children are.
Ivy: And your magical car.
Ivy: Your ILLEGAL magical car.
Ivy: ...You dolt.
Aub: LOL
Aub: It's fine to talk about a woman raping a man, but it's not okay to set up any gay relationships within the actual pages of the books. Cuz, you know, kids can't handle that.
Ivy: Women can't actually rape men. Love potions aren't date rape drugs at all. They wouldn't sell them blithely in cutesy shops if they were.
Aub: *shudders*
Aub: It's unethical to protect a muggle with a Patronus, but not to give them love potions.
Ivy: It is unethical to aid Muggles with magic. It is not unethical to control their minds and emotions with magic.
Aub: Give us a luck potion that makes everything work wonderfully for the user, and yet Voldemort never uses this?
Ivy: Give us a device that shows us memories in clear detail that can not be tampered with unnoticeably and a serum that forces the person who drinks it to tell the truth, and innocents are still put in prison?
Aub: Look down on muggles even though you know nothing about them, your technology is wobbly at best, your gene pool will crack a skull open, and fight to return to the status quo.
Ivy: You can't apparate on Hogwarts grounds.But apparently you can portkey to it. Voldemort has never actually thought of doing this.
Ivy: The most fearsome opponent in all the wizarding world is a baby.
Ivy: Crying is a sign of weakness and is to be loathed.
Aub: The prophesy is plainly full of shit because it necessitates action against it to cause it to work. TyBayMos: Mourn a schoolfriend you hardly knew but not your godfather.
Aub: Anger dissolves in a month of being locked in a room.
Ivy: Mourn an Auror you never knew because the one you thought you knew was a Death Eater and actually wasn't all that nice anyway. Don't mourn your ex-teacher who was your father's friend.
Aub: It's wrong to hate the people who ganged up on and bullied you for seven years if they were Gryffindors. If they're your cousin, hate away.
Ivy: Name your child after your headmaster and your hated and misunderstood teacher, but not your dead godfather and favorite DADA teacher.
Aub: (seriously!)
Aub: Make a 17-year-old your kid's godfather in the middle of a war.
Ivy: Psychics name every child destined to be a werewolf.
Aub: ESPECIALLY if the 17-year-old is the top target of that war.
Aub: Psychics also name every kid destined to be an Animagus.
Aub: People under 20 have normal names. People over twenty have names from Latin.
Ivy: If you must find pieces of a powerful wizard's soul protected my corrupt ministry and strong dark magic, do not enlist the aid of trustworthy adults and Aurors. Instead, roam around the countryside with no real plan.
Aub: Adults are not to be trusted.
Ivy: Unless they are Albus Dumbledore.
Aub: Protect your daughters. You can spare a twin.
Ivy: Twins have no individual personality, anyway.
Aub: Ignore Indian prom dates.
Ivy: You won't have a lasting relationship with a minority, in any case.
Aub: Chinese girls = bitches.
Ivy: It is okay to permanently disfigure someone for a mistake they made in a frightening, horrible situation at the age sixteen.
Aub: All minority girls must have alliterative names.
Ivy: You may not have a normal sex drive if you are good. Sex drives are evil.
Aub: High school relationships of a month or less predict marriage.
Aub: Unless you're Draco... who actually branched out.
Ivy: An Unforgivable curse is serious dark magic, especially Crucio, which can only be used to torture someone and must be cast with full intent to torture and cause severe pain. So it should be cast on people who insult your teacher. Always remember the power of love.
Aub: For when you care enough to curse with the very best.
Ivy: It's a good idea to be as vague as absolutely possible and leave horribly vague gifts to your Chosen One to aid him on his quest. Instead of actually leaving a coherent and helpful message.
Ivy: When you know that a potion is not fatal to house elves and you actually have a house elf with you, do not have the elf drink the potion for you. Instead, drink it yourself and die a horrible death involving zombies.
Aub: LOL
Ivy: Seriously, Regulus, WTF?
Aub: dude, EVERYONE WTF
Ivy: This should be called the series of WTF-inducing events.
Aub: YES
Aub: Set up a hero who believes in branching out and fairness for muggles and muggle-borns, then have him marry into a pureblood family
Ivy: Vampires are dangerous creatures. Invite one to a party at a school
Aub: Then never discuss them again.
Aub: Try not to think too hard about the ramifications of a middle-aged man watching five boys change for three years and sleeping in a bed with one.
Ivy: Goblins believe that everything they make continues to be their property even after it is sold. This is why they run the Wizarding banks and make all their currency and jewelry.
Aub: House elves have more powerful magic than wizards. So how did they come to be domesticated in the first place?
Aub: Wizards are shown to be stupid humans with low gene pools, internal strife, and serious reliance issues--how did they come to be dominant?
Ivycoov: It is really unfair that Hagrid was expelled for letting a monster into the school. All he did was let a monster into the school.
Aub: And yet again... Pensieve?
Aub: Or Legilimancy?
Aub: Or veritaserum?
Ivy: No need when we have charismatic children telling us what to do.
Aub: Wizards who can bend time can in no way discover whether a fifteen-year-old is lying. Hell, even my mom can do that. She must be a deity.
Ivy: Teach your children how to turn hedgehogs into teacups. Don't teach them algebra or English beyond elementary school level.
Aub: It's okay to bend time to bust a nutjob out of a room or attend extra classes--but not to fight evil or save a friend's life.
Aub: Heaven is a train station, and you never find family there--just an old man.
Ivy: If you have a device that can bend time and can also rip holes into the space-time continuum and conceivably be used for untold gallons of mischief-making and trouble...by all means, give it to a schoolgirl who is known to have been involved in rule-breaking many times before
Ivy: The greatest power is love. That is why the hero is usually angry, upset, angsty, or hating the world.
Aub: The hero and the villain are exactly the same--all except somehow one can love, and the other can't. Life's a bitch.
Aub: Tom Riddle's friendships have no value because he broke rules and created a secret society under Dumbledore's nose.
Ivy: The hero and villain are exactly the same except one was birthed by Virgin Mary incarnate and one was birthed by the Whore of Babylon.
Ivy: Also, one was in Slytherin and we all know that only evil types go there.
Aub: Marry the asshole, not your best friend who you might have persuaded away from bad friends, because fate has it that you're on different roads. Also, he's greasy.
Ivy: Albus Dumbledore is much like God. He either knows everything and is a malevolent manipulator...or he pretends to know more than he does and is benevolent, but an utter fool.
Aub: It's okay not to study, or get better at something like Occlumency, because it turns out your heart will save you after all.
Ivy: You have magic that allows you to teleport at will. Do not use it to get out of the way of spells cast at you.
Aub: there is no way out of Avada Kedavra... except dodging, putting sold objects between you, or teleporting.
Ivy: By no means should you resort to killing your enemies with a simple muggle gun. Muggles are inferior.
Aub: It's better to disarm a badguy so he can get another wand and kill someone else.
Ivy: Then again, his wand now belongs to you. It's like pokemon. Or marbles.
Aub: GOTTA CATCH EM ALL
Ivy: Well, that's the point of the series. The second generation is a continuation of the first and everyone marries their mothers.
Aub: LOL
Ivy: Also, who you are in school is who you are for life.
Aub: oh yes, of course
Aub: the person you have a crush on at 11 is your spouse forever
Aub: because plainly you have better judgement when you're adolescent
Ivy: Also, ambition and cunning is horrible and the root of all evil, and you can only be a good Slytherin if you kiss the ass of Gryffindor.
Aub: also, people who think are assholes
Aub: dumb loyal people are awesome
Ivy: Also, ambitious cunning people seem to make better henchmen than LOYAL AND HARDWORKING people.
Aub: smart people who only use their intelligence for pranks are the best ever
Ivy: Also, it's not evil or cruel if our side does it.
Aub: what? Like manipulating a child because of a crackpot prophesy and fattening him up so he can be slaughtered?
Ivy: You should fight authority, unless that authority is Albus Dumbledore. In which case, follow blindly.
Aub: Faith!
Aub: oh, and we don't need textual evidence.
Aub: for anything
Aub: if the author says it after the fact, it must be true
Ivy: You can still be a good teacher even if you constantly and guiltlessly put your students in unecessarily dangerous situations.
Ivy: If they come to any harm, it's entirely their fault.
Aub: and you're a bad teacher if you push your students to be better
Ivy: You can win your house the cup for breaking hundreds of rules and making a bad situation worse.
Aub: however, if you happen to be the Head of Gryffindor and Maggie Smith, the same attitude is fine
Aub: smart houses are boring
Ivy: Intelligence is only worthwhile if coming from a Gryffindor or used to help Gryffindor.
Aub: You can be any house you want to be in reality, but apparently some kids want to be assholes
Aub: and there's no take-backs on that deal
Ivy: It's okay to condemn eleven year olds as evil because of personality traits that are not necessarily bad.
Aub: so who you are at 11 is just going to be solidified through your adolescent years
Aub: spoiled children should be put in Slytherin among other spoiled children to be made worse. Integration is frowned upon
Ivy: Logic and sense are bad things. Pure, emotional instinct gets the job done.
Aub: Truthyism
Aub: feel the truth!
Ivy: Don't be afraid of the Dark Lord. He can't plot for shit anyway.
Aub: YES
Ivy: (Seriously, book four? WTF!)
Aub: lol, I know
Aub: Teachers, don't solves the myserties., Leave it to the twelve-year-olds. Why are they in school again?
Ivy: In fact, leave everything to the kids.
Aub: sit back and eat humbugs
Aub: three Gryffindor kids and a map got it covered
Ivy: Don't argue with the Gryffindors. They are always right. If you disagree with them, you are evil.
Aub: Disagreement is contrary to harmony. We don't need to think about things or change them.
Ivy: It is awful to keep slaves. Until book seven.
Aub: The only reason to fight is to keep Hogwarts the way it is
Ivy: Harry is the champion of the Status Quo.
Aub: Smart girls are bitches, and they deserve idiots for husbands.
Ivy: We should make everyone aware of enormous social injustices, such as muggle discrimination and non-human servitude. And then not do anything about it.
Aub: Slutty girls deserve the hero.
Aub: Kill people who disagree with you.
Aub: Fat kids only get to kill snakes
Ivy: Muggles are inferior and deserve to be disrespected, used, and magically brainwashed against their will. Even by their family members.
Ivy: Fat people are inferior in general.
Aub: Set up seven years of Harry getting abused by his family, and never resolve anything between himself and his aunt. She doesn't matter.
Ivy: Gryffindors don't need to change. They are perfect the way they are. The world should change to better fit the needs of Gryffindors, and also should fetch them pie.
Ivy: The hero doesn't need to learn from his mistakes. The hero makes no mistakes.
Aub: The only way to give a werewolf a happy ending is to incorporate him into standard, heteronormative society--i.e. have him marry someone half his age, have a kid, and promptly abandon it.
Ivy: Cruelty towards a child is justified because you know they'll grow up evil, anyway.
Ivy: Wives have no say in the naming of the offspring.
Aub: LOL
Aub: Children born from rape are automatically evil.
Ivy: You have the ability to choose who you are...except for where you totally don't because it's chosen for you at the age of eleven.
Aub: By a hat.
Ivy: That SINGS.
Aub: Don't trust anything if you can't see where it keeps its brain--except that hat at the school where you send all seven of your children.
Ivy: Also, the clock that tells you where your children are.
Ivy: And your magical car.
Ivy: Your ILLEGAL magical car.
Ivy: ...You dolt.
Aub: LOL
Aub: It's fine to talk about a woman raping a man, but it's not okay to set up any gay relationships within the actual pages of the books. Cuz, you know, kids can't handle that.
Ivy: Women can't actually rape men. Love potions aren't date rape drugs at all. They wouldn't sell them blithely in cutesy shops if they were.
Aub: *shudders*
Aub: It's unethical to protect a muggle with a Patronus, but not to give them love potions.
Ivy: It is unethical to aid Muggles with magic. It is not unethical to control their minds and emotions with magic.
Aub: Give us a luck potion that makes everything work wonderfully for the user, and yet Voldemort never uses this?
Ivy: Give us a device that shows us memories in clear detail that can not be tampered with unnoticeably and a serum that forces the person who drinks it to tell the truth, and innocents are still put in prison?
Aub: Look down on muggles even though you know nothing about them, your technology is wobbly at best, your gene pool will crack a skull open, and fight to return to the status quo.
Ivy: You can't apparate on Hogwarts grounds.But apparently you can portkey to it. Voldemort has never actually thought of doing this.
Ivy: The most fearsome opponent in all the wizarding world is a baby.
Ivy: Crying is a sign of weakness and is to be loathed.
Aub: The prophesy is plainly full of shit because it necessitates action against it to cause it to work. TyBayMos: Mourn a schoolfriend you hardly knew but not your godfather.
Aub: Anger dissolves in a month of being locked in a room.
Ivy: Mourn an Auror you never knew because the one you thought you knew was a Death Eater and actually wasn't all that nice anyway. Don't mourn your ex-teacher who was your father's friend.
Aub: It's wrong to hate the people who ganged up on and bullied you for seven years if they were Gryffindors. If they're your cousin, hate away.
Ivy: Name your child after your headmaster and your hated and misunderstood teacher, but not your dead godfather and favorite DADA teacher.
Aub: (seriously!)
Aub: Make a 17-year-old your kid's godfather in the middle of a war.
Ivy: Psychics name every child destined to be a werewolf.
Aub: ESPECIALLY if the 17-year-old is the top target of that war.
Aub: Psychics also name every kid destined to be an Animagus.
Aub: People under 20 have normal names. People over twenty have names from Latin.
Ivy: If you must find pieces of a powerful wizard's soul protected my corrupt ministry and strong dark magic, do not enlist the aid of trustworthy adults and Aurors. Instead, roam around the countryside with no real plan.
Aub: Adults are not to be trusted.
Ivy: Unless they are Albus Dumbledore.
Aub: Protect your daughters. You can spare a twin.
Ivy: Twins have no individual personality, anyway.
Aub: Ignore Indian prom dates.
Ivy: You won't have a lasting relationship with a minority, in any case.
Aub: Chinese girls = bitches.
Ivy: It is okay to permanently disfigure someone for a mistake they made in a frightening, horrible situation at the age sixteen.
Aub: All minority girls must have alliterative names.
Ivy: You may not have a normal sex drive if you are good. Sex drives are evil.
Aub: High school relationships of a month or less predict marriage.
Aub: Unless you're Draco... who actually branched out.
Ivy: An Unforgivable curse is serious dark magic, especially Crucio, which can only be used to torture someone and must be cast with full intent to torture and cause severe pain. So it should be cast on people who insult your teacher. Always remember the power of love.
Aub: For when you care enough to curse with the very best.
Ivy: It's a good idea to be as vague as absolutely possible and leave horribly vague gifts to your Chosen One to aid him on his quest. Instead of actually leaving a coherent and helpful message.
Ivy: When you know that a potion is not fatal to house elves and you actually have a house elf with you, do not have the elf drink the potion for you. Instead, drink it yourself and die a horrible death involving zombies.
Aub: LOL
Ivy: Seriously, Regulus, WTF?
Aub: dude, EVERYONE WTF
Ivy: This should be called the series of WTF-inducing events.
Aub: YES
Aub: Set up a hero who believes in branching out and fairness for muggles and muggle-borns, then have him marry into a pureblood family
Ivy: Vampires are dangerous creatures. Invite one to a party at a school
Aub: Then never discuss them again.
Aub: Try not to think too hard about the ramifications of a middle-aged man watching five boys change for three years and sleeping in a bed with one.
Ivy: Goblins believe that everything they make continues to be their property even after it is sold. This is why they run the Wizarding banks and make all their currency and jewelry.
Aub: House elves have more powerful magic than wizards. So how did they come to be domesticated in the first place?
Aub: Wizards are shown to be stupid humans with low gene pools, internal strife, and serious reliance issues--how did they come to be dominant?
Ivycoov: It is really unfair that Hagrid was expelled for letting a monster into the school. All he did was let a monster into the school.
Aub: And yet again... Pensieve?
Aub: Or Legilimancy?
Aub: Or veritaserum?
Ivy: No need when we have charismatic children telling us what to do.
Aub: Wizards who can bend time can in no way discover whether a fifteen-year-old is lying. Hell, even my mom can do that. She must be a deity.
Ivy: Teach your children how to turn hedgehogs into teacups. Don't teach them algebra or English beyond elementary school level.
Aub: It's okay to bend time to bust a nutjob out of a room or attend extra classes--but not to fight evil or save a friend's life.
Aub: Heaven is a train station, and you never find family there--just an old man.
Ivy: If you have a device that can bend time and can also rip holes into the space-time continuum and conceivably be used for untold gallons of mischief-making and trouble...by all means, give it to a schoolgirl who is known to have been involved in rule-breaking many times before
Ivy: The greatest power is love. That is why the hero is usually angry, upset, angsty, or hating the world.
Aub: The hero and the villain are exactly the same--all except somehow one can love, and the other can't. Life's a bitch.
Aub: Tom Riddle's friendships have no value because he broke rules and created a secret society under Dumbledore's nose.
Ivy: The hero and villain are exactly the same except one was birthed by Virgin Mary incarnate and one was birthed by the Whore of Babylon.
Ivy: Also, one was in Slytherin and we all know that only evil types go there.
Aub: Marry the asshole, not your best friend who you might have persuaded away from bad friends, because fate has it that you're on different roads. Also, he's greasy.
Ivy: Albus Dumbledore is much like God. He either knows everything and is a malevolent manipulator...or he pretends to know more than he does and is benevolent, but an utter fool.
Aub: It's okay not to study, or get better at something like Occlumency, because it turns out your heart will save you after all.
Ivy: You have magic that allows you to teleport at will. Do not use it to get out of the way of spells cast at you.
Aub: there is no way out of Avada Kedavra... except dodging, putting sold objects between you, or teleporting.
Ivy: By no means should you resort to killing your enemies with a simple muggle gun. Muggles are inferior.
Aub: It's better to disarm a badguy so he can get another wand and kill someone else.
Ivy: Then again, his wand now belongs to you. It's like pokemon. Or marbles.
Aub: GOTTA CATCH EM ALL
