Alone Again [O]

[yaruka]

Along the sandy banks of the Murray River grazed a creamy brumby mare, her long forelock falling to cover eyes that were haunted by sadness, even now. She had come down from the mountains where she had dwelled with her mate, craving the company of other horses. Living with Maluka had been all she'd known for six years, and to be thrust into lonliness again had been an awful shock.

There was a sense of recklessness in her every moment, even the cropping of her teeth against the grass exuded restlessness. It was quite dangerous for her to be grazing so openly now, her silver coat prized by both stallion and man, but Barina was beyond caution. She knew she was a prize, but she needed some taste of life to distract her from her sorrow. At any rate, she was an empty prize, she knew she could never give herself fully to another stallion, nor would she, or could she, ever bear him a foal. Spring after spring she had not been able to give Maluka a foal, and sometimes she wondered if this was why he had deserted her. What good was a mate if there were to be no more foals, no progeny to keep his line going? Kareela had been her first, and would be her last-even his birth had nearly taken her life. But deep down she knew that something even worse had taken place on the mountain during that snowstorm, something so terrible that she almost wished he had abandoned her instead.

[aquiladorado]

The creamy was not alone, although she might not have known it. The other creature that had also made his way down from the mountains was striding toward her, but had retreated so deep within himself to notice. The mountains had been all he’d known, his herd had rarely left them, but now they only symbolized death for the Dun stallion and he couldn’t bear to feel the haunting presence that loomed on its peaks. The sombre autumn wind that blew past him drew the stallion out of his sorrow, only to be brought into a fantasy world where the colors swirled around him in their abnormal tones and a horse approached him from the mirage. It was no ordinary horse, but a mare – a beautiful, creamy, silver mare. Derain let out a sigh. He had lived in this dream often, but he knew it only ended in loneliness. The mare was not real. At least, not anymore.

The vision continued to surround him, though, and this time it seemed different. The pale morning sky cast a glowing light upon a wide open landscape, where the mare stood patiently – waiting for him. The stallion took a couple steps toward her, then stopped in fear that she might evaporate as she usually did. The creamy mare was even more beautiful here, where the colors of the sky accented her perfect form, and her wings... She had wings? Yes, beautiful golden wings that rested against her sides like an angel. For that was what she was now, an angel... The magical scene disappeared as quickly as it had come, leaving the Dun stallion wincing. It had been like a band aid pulled off too fast to see that mare again, his mare.

As his dark eyes adjusted once again to reality, Derain could not believe what he saw. The outline of a mare, filled in with the creamy tones of a legendary ancestor, stood grazing by the edge of the river. The Dun stallion sucked in his breath as if he had received a kick to the chest, but still moved forward, each step causing him pain. The closer he got, the easier it was to tell this was not the mare he once knew – nor was it a grown version of her, for she was gone. Long gone, to a place where he could never get her back. But still, here stood a silver Brumby. And what for? Had she been following him, hoping to cause him misery? No, Derain reasoned with himself. She arrived before I did.

The Dun stallion stopped squarely, a distance from the pretty mare, and raised his head. It tilted slightly to the side out of common curiosity, but overall he looked quite awkward as he battled his emotions. ”Why,”[/b] came his voice, barely above a whisper. ”Why do you taunt me?”[/b] Derain stood perfectly still, a statue on the bank of the river, as he waited. Perhaps this mare was an illusion too. He would find out soon enough.

[yaruka]

The whispered voice met her sensitive ears suddenly, and, so far into her own brooding had she been, entirely by surprise. She flung her fine head up, nostrils flaring to look with dark, but curious, eyes at the newcomer. His question had been a strange one, and Barina almost wondered if she had misheard him, or was imagining him entirely, when the look in his eyes convinced her otherwise. Tossing her head uncertainly, she replied to him, her voice sounding so much louder compared to his.
"I? Torment another? Why should I do that-I know of sorrow and loss only too well myself."

OOC: terribly rusty-sorry!

[aquiladorado]

The fact that the mare responded caused Derain to start. He had not been expecting an answer, nor such an honest one. ”It seems we are one of the same then.”[/i] He spoke cautiously, moving closer to the mare to investigate her further. The Dun stallion held a hint of a glare as he took in her sight, figuring that she was indeed doing a play on him, but it became obvious that was not the case and his eyes and posture softened immediately. He dropped his gaze to the ground. ”Forgive me,”[/i] he offered as an apology.

The Dun sighed, taking in the distinct smell of the Murray River. ”I didn’t expect to see another Silver mare around these parts...”[/i] Or ever, were his unspoken thoughts as his voice trailed off. Shaking his large head, the stallion composed himself. ”I am Derain, from the mountains.”[/i] He kept leaving pauses between what he was saying; he didn’t know why. Apparently he was finding it hard to use his tongue properly. ”Where is it you come from?”[/i] he finally asked, leaving the topic general so the mare could voice her previous location or dive into the subject that was causing her pain on her own free will. Derain knew how he felt about his past, and how he felt about talking about it. He had no wish to force the mare into the same position.

[yaruka]

Barina did not recoil as the dun moved closer, but she did not move to greet him either. Her ears flickered uncertainly at his somewhat hostile posture, but she met his gaze defiantly until he dropped it.

“It is of no matter,” she replied gently, when he apologised. “Pain and loss make a fool of all of us.” It was quite clear that the dun stallion was aching from the past, and she would not hold that against him.

“I am Barina, named for the summit of the mountain where I was born,” she said, though he had not asked “And it was from the summit of Mt. Kosciusko that I have come.” His question had alluded to something more, but she was not yet ready to speak of Maluka to a stranger.

As she stood there a light breeze picked up, brushing her mane and forelock back gently so that she closed her eyes to feel its reassuring caress. Part of her ached for this new stallion’s company, but the other warned her at becoming too friendly with him. Guilt and hurt would only follow, and she could not cause this broken horse any more pain. Nor was she sure she could bear anymore pain herself. She may be a strong mare, but Maluka’s loss had wounded her deeply.

[aquiladorado]

”Your words hold truth,”[/i] Derain said with an effort. He had been chasing after a ghost, a creature that was no more, and acting like a fool in the process. All because he had problems coping with the pain of his loss. And she wasn’t even mine, he remembered bluntly. The mare’s name slipped past his ears, and the Dun stallion looked up at her. She had offered her name of her own accord – at least she was being civil to him. It was surprising that the silver mare had come from the mountains, like him. ”The mountains have been my home for as long as I can remember. I was born there, lived out my childhood there, and have spent the rest of my life up to this moment in their midst. Whether I want to leave them or not, I keep getting pulled back.”[/i] His tone was friendly, almost mocking himself for sticking around those mountains for so long. There was nothing left for him there, yet he stayed anyways.

”Barina,”[/i] he said absentmindedly, more to himself. It was a nice name. ”If it does not bother you, I would ask for your permission to join in your company. No need for mindless chatter either, I just – company is nice.”[/i] Derain found he was faltering with his word choices again. Most likely because his thoughts kept trying to work their way into his speech. ”I haven’t had pleasant company for 2 years,”[/i] he mumbled, his voice gaining the bitterness of his emotions. The Dun moved away from the Silver a bit, slightly closer to the river, and almost thought of taking a drink before he stopped himself. It would make him seem too intrusive of the territory if he drank without an answer from the mare. And it would be incredibly awkward if he was quenching his thirst while she asked him to leave.

[yaruka]

"I too, have lived nearly my whole life in these mountains," replied Barina "It is odd then that I have never come across you before." As she spoke she reflected on the past six years of her life, years of oneness with Maluka but also of dramatic reclusion. Perhaps it wasn't so odd then, that she had never met this dun stallion, or that she had no other friends to speak of, apart from Kareela of course. She had been hidden away in the most secret alcoves of the mountains for years, it was no wonder she longed for the relative openess of this plateau now.

The stallion's mumbled words brought her back to the present, and she cocked her head, an old habit of hers, as she listened to his strange utterings. His suffering was becomign more and more apparent the longer she spent in his company, and her eyes grew darker with the added weight of his own sadness to her own. He would not be light company, that was for sure, but for now they both needed each other, in more ways than one.

"This territory is as much yours as it is mine," said Barina simply in way of an answer. Then she dropped her cream head back down the grass, conveying her trust in the stallion and releasing him to make himself comfortable.

[aquiladorado]

Derain nodded his head to the mare and proceeded to sip from the cool river. It rushed past at a quick pace, the icy water that slid down his throat sending a chill through his body with each swallow. His thirst dealt with and the consistency of the running river doing some good to the stallion, Derain moved off toward a patch of rich grass. He began to tear the stems from their roots, all the while relishing in the mare’s company. He propped his head up at a sound in the bush, ears upright and alert as they zoned in on the disturbance - A larger bird darted from its cover and sped across his line of vision, disappearing once more. The Dun stallion snorted softly and returned to grazing on the bank of the river.

Had he wanted to grasp onto his desires once more, he could have questioned the mare further. There had been a few other creamies in his herd – there was a chance she was one of them. But he knew this was not true, and what she had said only proved that. She would have recognized him if she had been – after all, he was the eldest son of the herd stallion. Although his father was not a king, it was thought of that his colt was titled a prince. Derain’s father had been a noble leader, but the Dun hated him all the same. Derain had done the stallion no harm, had been used for protection until he was long past able to start a herd of his own, yet when he had found the perfect mate his father had turned against him and driven the delicate thing to her death. All out of useless pride.

But as for this mare, even her name had sounded familiar; the feel of it as it rolled off his tongue creating a long lost memory that was still unclear. From what the stallion could tell, though, he did not know the mare. Still, it was indeed odd his herd had never come across hers. Derain had traveled every part of the mountains, his father never sticking in one place too long, but any encounters that the Dun could remember with outsiders had not been very pleasant. Perhaps that was why his father had acted as he did – he considered his son an extra weight once Derain had realized that he could start his own life – the Dun stallion would still never offer forgiveness. Lifting his eyes to Barina, Derain quietly stared at her for a while. He knew he had been able to notice her differences immediately, but he had not looked into her similarities – they were numerous. ”You are correct, I do not believe I have seen you before. But you are very much like her,”[/i] he mused solemnly.

[yaruka]

Barina's skin prickled as she felt the stallion's eyes on her, twitching her cream coat subconciously she moved slightly to the right, unused to the feeling of being watched after over a month of solitude. Finally he spoke and she could no longer ignore his stare, turning she looked gently, but directly, into his troubled eyes, weighing an appropriate response. It was almost as though his words weren't addressed to her, though clearly he was speaking at her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she finally asked, her voice little more than a whisper, wondering if she was out of line to offer.

As she waited for his response her mind flew back to her own sorrows, would she talk about them given the appropriate chance? With the appropriate companion? Perhaps. She certainly wouldn't push Derain if he didn't want to talk about it, she knew only too well how sadness and loss tied the tongue. She kept her head low and and relaxed, determined to make sure he felt comfortable.

[aquiladorado]

The mare’s offer was certainly unexpected, and a twinge of guilt briefly coursed through his blood. I’m pestering her, he thought uncomfortably. Derain had not meant to do anything of the sort, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself from bringing her up! She haunted him like his own shadow – the reason he carried such a heavy heart.

Looking up into Barina’s soft eyes, he did not find the annoyance he figured he would have. There was almost an understanding, a shared compassion set within them that relaxed the dun stallion completely. After all, was it not good to relieve oneself of inner demons every once in a while? So Derain made up his mind with a large sigh, moved closer to the creamy mare, and began his story.

”I once knew a beautiful silver mare, much like yourself. We had a few others before her in our herd, and for that reason my father was challenged continuously. He was a bold fighter though. Those who challenged him ended up losing mares instead of gaining them. And that is how I came to know her.” “She came as a young filly at her mother’s side; no more than a yearling I believe, and I was only slightly older. She took to me right away, thinking that I would make a fine stallion one day and that I would be a good means of protection. But she was more than that to me.”[/i] Derain beat his tail against his flank to rid himself of the flies that rested there, allowing his gaze to wander in the process. ”I loved her. I figured it would cause no harm to the herd – she was no sibling of mine, at least by blood, and my father had her dam as his own prize. I thought he would be happy for me.”[/i] The stallion’s voice gained a bitter edge as he spat out the last words.

”And he should have! As the creamy and I matured together, we grew closer and closer to the point we were inseparable. Her feelings intensified for me, and my father began to act nervously. He drove the herd farther into the mountains with little rest. He jumped at every echo of a loose rock sliding off a cliff. And the most apparent, he stopped communicating with me. Like he was avoiding me.” “I found out the reason behind his actions too late. By that time he had kicked me out of the herd, although he used me for 5 and a half years of my life to help protect his herd when I could have long since been gone and protecting a herd of my own – a herd with her.”[/i]

”But I was forced to leave without her. My father left me with his angry words, with supposed intentions of mine that I had no intent of committing. So he drove me off in thinking I was a threat to his herd. I followed them for days, my only drive being the silver mare that owned my heart.” “She tried to return to me too, you know,”[/i] Derain said sadly. ”She made many attempts to escape from my father’s herd, but none were successful. He had a firm hold on her and never let her out of his sight. Because of his fear that I would return, he pushed his herd harder than he should have. Without proper rest, they were struggling with the terrain more than they should have had to. Especially my filly.”[/i]

The large stallion shut his eyes as the memory tore at his heart. ”I finally caught up to them. The silver mare was overjoyed, but my father was in absolute shock. His shock turned to anger soon enough, but in his current state and that of his herd, there was not much he could do but try to move his herd away again. My filly tried to run to me against his harsh protests, and he stopped her with a beating and moved her to the front of the herd.” “I stood and watched as she once again tried to fight her way back to me, while my father tried to shove her forward. Eventually he shoved her a little too hard and she lost her footing. The outcome of a selfish stallion.”[/i]

”I still see her, she comes to me in my dreams. It seems I can’t get rid of her. Perhaps that is because I am to blame for what happened, because I stood motionless while she plummeted to her death.”[/i] Derain shook his dark forelock from his eyes. ”I appreciate you listening to me. In fact, I think I feel a little better. I should go now,”[/i] he said awkwardly, avoiding looking at Barina. The dun turned away, but paused. ”You are troubled too, I can tell. Should you wish to share your burden as I have shared mine, I would listen.”[/i] He stood silently and held his breath, allowing the mare to make up her own mind.